I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
