I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it's like iHOP with fire
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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