The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
