hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i was born a porn star she said
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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