Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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