Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
