So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
