After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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