I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
