Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
