I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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