What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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