I'm really into asian looking animals
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
