I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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