My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
