Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
