i just sent this text using only my big toe
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
