I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
