Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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