I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
