My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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