if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
