Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
