She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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