Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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