Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
