The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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