i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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