I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
