I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
