the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
