Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
