you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
