make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
