I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
