Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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