Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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