ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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