we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
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According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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