the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
