I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
