k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
