apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
