I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
