just come out here and I will go home with you...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
