apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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