Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
