I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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