After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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