my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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