I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
