Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
