I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
