quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
