i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
