my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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